Top 10 Tips for How to be a Social Media Douchebag
September 21, 2009 – 8:25 pm | by Matt Ackerson
Author’s Note: I am aware that this post may seem a little out of character in comparison to previous posts that I have written on VentureKid.com. I recently got bored and annoyed with some (only some) of what I’ve observed in the so-called social media realm on the internet. This post is how I express that benign frustration. No one (who I know) should take this post personally. Everyone else should feel free to be offended, but hopefully more amused. Admittedly I do not claim to have never followed any of these “tips.” Oh the irony… Enjoy.
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Hi, my name is Johnny Full-of-Shit. I’m 27, and a graduate of Appleseed online virtual college and I am a Social Media ROCKSTAR (that’s right show me the follow-love @JohnRocksMajorSox on Twitter). I secretly live in my mother’s basement but make frequent references to my real life where I abscond to far away places to get drunk and prentend to sleep with good looking women all thanks to my monthly six-figure pay check from Scammer’s Inc.
Question: Are you a lazy, naive visitor whose come across my website in your desperate search to make lots of money without even lifting a cheek to fart? Well, then you’re in for a treat because this blog post is going to reveal the secret, awesome POWER of Multi-Level Affiliate Scheming Social Media Media Guru-ness. In other words, I will teach you how to be a ROCKSTAR, just like ME. Listen up:
10 ) Be immodest. Promote yourself and the “secrets” to online marketing that you know but will never quite reveal (until people buy your e-book), and do it 24/7.
9 ) Author shitty e-books (like, “How to sign up for a Twitter account and send your first tweet”), just as long as people leave their email address and pay you $13.54. Gotta love the green :: sunglasses… on :: 
8 ) Read the book “Never Eat Alone” and the “4-Hour Work Week.” Then call yourself an entrepreneur in your Twitter 1 line bio, but spice it up up with adjectives like “guru” and “extraordinaire” and, my favorite, “Rockstar.” boo yah bitches.
7 ) Be a thought-leader and create the impression that you are elite, the butter of the cream of the crop, by creating and promoting your own personal-brand-ish-nish. Trust me, people are dumb, they won’t know you were actually drunk in that photo or that you weren’t wearing pants! Thanks Photoshop.
6 ) Spam your friends on Facebook whenever you write one of your super-awesome, thought-leader-ing blog posts. Pressure them to re-post and comment it. Do the same on Twitter. Viral like a virus, oh yeah!–Cheers Malcolm Gladwell.
5 ) Diligently point out spammer comments on Techcrunch. Pointing out blatant comment astroturfing will also score you some major net-props. Damn straight.
4 ) Waste your time reading repetative blogs posts about entrepreneurs launching un-inspired startups who are only slightly more motivated than you. “What pioneers they are! What risk takers–launching a web-based business in this economy, GOLLY!”
3 ) Tweet like a douche bag. That’s right, tweet all day, everyday. Better yet, do the smart thing and set up robots to converse with people for you. You’ve got to get in the conversation, dammit!!
2 ) Make shitty top 5 or top 10 lists (remember it ’s great link bait on Digg and other social uh stuff).
1 ) Finally, be COMPLETELY un-original, but then claim it was you who wrote it or originally thought of it. Remember, recycling is good for the environment baby.
That’s all I got for now kids. Oh BTW, add me on Facebook, LinkedIn, Youtube, Deliciousness, and everything else. And just so you know, I won’t accept your “add to network” request on LinkedIn since we haven’t done business together, but I’m still flattered so try it anyway.
K thx bye.
